The Lemsip Optrex Mystery

Hello My Darlings

Don't ask me what I have been doing reading the current issue of Hello magazine, but I may have solved the great mystery which is raised by its cover story.

Why did the engagement collapse between weather girl Sian Lloyd and high flying (well in aircraft if not politics) Lib Dem MP Lembit Opik? I reject the theory that it was just so he could get together with Cheeky Girl Iriman who is famed for her hit with sister Monica entitled "The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)" and just happens to be half Sian's age.

The Deep Philosophical Explanation

The deeper reason for the break-up can be culled from Hello's interview with Sian. She reveals that with Lemsip she played Chess and Scrabble. These can be very stressful pastimes, especially if one of the partners regularly whitewashes the other.

My wife, Ann and I play scrabble most mornings now that I am retired and I am no longer available to give my mature advice in the Commons to the Lemsips of that world. Ann defeats me left, right and centre. My trouble is that I never really recovered after getting nil out of ten in a spelling test at my infant school.

Ann and I settled to play tournments over 11 games. We are now into our 27th series. Ann has won 26 of these and one was tied - the last tournament being 5-5, plus a draw.

A Hand-up Instead Of A Hand-out

Things went so badly for me that we decided that the scores should count towards a second trophy and for that I would be given a 20 start each game. This dispensation was like the relief of Mafeking (and no doubt could have saved the Sian-Lembit engagement). I have gone on to win the last 6 handicapped tournaments. As a result my honour has now been half-retrieved and the handicap has been cut to ten.

If the Sian-Lembit scrabble relationship was also basically one-sided, then it could have resulted in a terrible strain in their overall relationship. So how come Ann and I have survived, for the key tournament is the one I trail by 26 and a 1/2 to a 1/2.?

Things Can Only Get Better

I have had the advantage of being a left-wing Labour M.P. Defeat was a natural way of life for me under New Labour.

Then by nature, I might be more philosophical than Lemsip. Whilst he and I both studied Philosophy at University, different lessons can be drawn from an addiction to different Philosophers. As Lemsip was born in Estonia he probably has a taste for Hegel. That would explain a great deal. I come from the North East, which gives me an addiction to the David Hume from nearbye Scotland. Nothing could be better for overcoming stress.

Above all, I support Sunderland AFC. Last season, we crashed out of the Premiership with defeat after defeat, recording the lowest points total in our history. The previous relegation we sufferred from the Premiership involved a second half of the season in which we lost 18 games, won none and only managed a single draw. We went on just to avoid the worst run of League defeats ever, which is a record held by Darwen in the 19th Century.

As Bing Would Have Said, "We Need Hope"

Perhaps I have become acclimatized to defeat. Yet hope remains eternal. Sunderland won 4-2 yesterday, away to Sheffield Wednesday. My scrabble game has moved up from the horrible to the merely bad. And I am the only person I know who supports Peter4Leader of the Labour Party. I haven't even got Peter Hain on my side. Not yet anyway.

After 43 years being happily married to Ann, I am not going to let a scrabble nightmare effect me. But I was wondering about getting Ann to take up Chess. It has the distinct advanage of not requiring a contestant to be good at spelling.

Now do they spell that blokes name Lembit or Lemsip?